We Need a Gas Tax

Gas emissions are degrading the environment and generally making life miserable for people. Methane, hydrogen, sulfur, methanethiol, dimethyl sulfide and hydrogen sulfide are just a few of the byproducts released into the atmosphere each and every day by irresponsible people.

There is a growing sentiment that taxes should be used to curtail antisocial behavior, such as smoking or alcohol consumption. That being the case, we should start heavily taxing the causes of gas pollution ... vegetables!

One of the great unspoken truths is that vegetarians in general and vegans in particular are flatulent. Oh, they’ll deny it, just as the little girl with crumbs on her face will solemnly deny that she raided the cookie jar, despite empirical evidence to the contrary. Anyone who has spent any time around vegetarians knows this to be true.

I used to work at a newspaper where about half the staff were vegetarians. Our daily editorial budget meetings resembled the bean-eating scene in “Blazing Saddles.”

In particular, I remember our photo editor. The guy was a talented photographer with a keen eye and a wiz in the darkroom. He was also a strict vegan. I always knew when he entered a room because I could smell him. If my daily meetings with him were uncomfortable, the times I had to be in the tiny, enclosed darkroom with him were nightmares.

So, it’s time to take a stand against the planet-destroying practice of vegetarianism! We must urge our lawmakers to levy a “gas tax” on vegetables such as beans, peas, corn, cucumbers, green peppers, kohlrabi, onions and leeks, radishes, rutabaga and turnips and vegetarian restaurants before it’s too late!